I really had no faith in being healed. In today’s time with all the breakthroughs in medicine and technology, I found myself believing that if the medical world couldn’t cure something, then it just can’t be cured. Simple as that.
I had asked God for healing on several occasions, it just never happened. So I just moved on, learning to deal with whatever came my way, skin afflictions, broken back, sciatica, arthritis, insomnia, hypomanic behavior and serious anger issues. I think you get the picture. I had learned to survive, not seek healing. What was I supposed to do, trust one of those charlatan crack pots on TV? Not going to happen! Even as a former barroom musician I knew these folks to be shysters! I actually mimicked a few for my stage act. “What time is it, boys?” I would announce to the band in the middle of a set. “It’s Reverend Ricky time!” they would yell back in unison. And I was off and running, doing my best to reenact an episode of an old ’70’s sitcom that caught my attention with a comedic take on a TV preacher. I’d slow my voice down and crow, “I’m lookin’ for some help from the believers! I need some believers that wanna do God’s work! Now, if you are so lucky to be called, then I’m gonna need you to reach deep down in them pockets! Now, don’t you go pullin’ up that spendin’ change! No! No! No! I’ma needin’ some a that glorious foldin’ green! That long gorgeous paper with that one of a kind smell! That’s right! You know what I want! Now, reach down y’all and if them bills got enough numbers, I’m gonna bless you with a special “sin cleansing,” John the Baptist shower curtain! That’s right! AND… for for a few more numbers, I gotta Joseph and Mary spice rack for ya! But wait! If you got the hutzpah to part with a serious denomination, one that just blows Ricky’s natural curly hair back, I’ll throw in my multi colored vinyl wrapped, 3 piece set of “The Worlds a Commin’ To An End” lawn furniture! How bout that? Huh? Won’t that be nice? Watch it all come crashing down in comfort and style! Yes, sir!” Then we would break into a song about the wilds of cocaine. Later in my life, as a man saved by grace, I realize the harm in that humor. I would become aware of the sin in using God’s name for a laugh. Though even as a Christian, I still made fun of those people and the chances of me being healed by someone using God were slim to none.
I began to believe that my afflictions were my cross to bear. God chose not to heal me because those afflictions kept me close to him. Which frankly, I was 0K with. I liked being close to God. I liked talking with people needing to know Christ and having him give me the words to speak before I even spoke them. These kind of experiences indemnified my authenticity whenever I was asked to preach or just exhort his name. I spent 2 days a week for several years visiting young men locked up both physically and mentally by hate. I watched God do amazing things in that prison and in their lives. It was a privilege and a blessing to be used by God. So did I believe in healing? Sure, but more the provision of strength to handle the hard truths than anything else. Not so much physically. My experience was that physical pain and the inability to handle stress kept me in God’s presence. And again, because I knew nothing different, it was acceptable to me.
One day, in 2016, after tearing a soleus muscle in my left calf, I sat on a couch waiting for my medical insurance to OK an ultrasound. While there I had my back “go out,” a common problem for me over the many years I spent in Construction. I went to my usual chiropractor and he asked me, “Want me to put a little extra pepper on this adjustment today?” “Let ‘er rip!” I replied, having always encouraged him to understand that my tolerance for pain outweighed my desire to make a second trip in to his office. He “Let ‘er rip!” and bingo problem solved. His adjustment made such a loud pop that we were both laughing as I groaned, “Maybe a little too much pepper? I asked in jest. “Thanks Doc!” I said and out the door I went.
I drove home and sat back down on the couch, slowly a sharpening pain started in my back. I started to lose the feeling from my hip down to my toes. At that point, the pain climbed up and off the chart! This was excruciating pain, like nothing I had felt before. That is saying a lot considering I had already experienced a broken back, with 4 busted vertebrae, endured the whole 10 year experience with sciatica on both sides of my body and managed to pinch a nerve so badly in my neck once that I lost the use of my right arm for awhile. This pain topped them all. I immediately started the drive back to my Chiropractor, calling him on the way to have him ready when I arrived. I could barely push the clutch and work the gas pedal I hurt so bad!. He immediately readjusted my back and some feeling returned to my leg, as well as the most excruciating part of the pain desisted. A few days later they did an MRI on my lower back. My “extra pepper” adjustment had broken 4 disc with several pieces now lodged against my spine. For the next year, I tried everything to make the rest of the now nagging pain go away but nothing worked. Obviously, I stopped using a chiropractic approach that had worked for so many years and was now on the verge of surgical remedy.My problem with using a surgical option was I had been around so many people in construction that had back surgery with horrible result. Some were helped, others made worse. I knew it was a crap shoot so like always, I just started learning to block it out and try to suffer through.
Walking through Home Depot one day, I heard my name called from behind me. It was an old acquaintance from the construction trades. A painter, that turned to God and Christianity to maintain sobriety. He asked why I was limping and moving so slow and I told him of my dilemma. Shocked he stated loudly, “Aren’t you a believer?” “Yes,” I said. “But it has been my experience that God does not work in that way with my life.” “What? he said in disbelief, “Where did you learn that?” I told him my story and how it had actually been my personal experience. I told him that it also fit the doctrine of the church I spent most of my Christian years attending. In 27 years there I never saw anyone get healed. “Well I’m sorry for whatever lame church you attended but that is simply not true!” God wants to heal you! Can I pray for you?” he said excitedly. “Sure” I responded figuring that he would return to the confines of his home and pray for me there. Nope. He placed his hand on my shoulder and started praying loudly in Home Depot! Not on a back isle either, but right in front of the cash register area. I was a bit shocked! I closed my eyes but would still open them and see the gawkers staring at us every couple of seconds as his voice got louder. Still, I was so honored that this guy wanted to pray for me, and in such pain that I didn’t care what a spectacle we made. Nobody there paid my bills! When he was done I thanked him for being a serious brother to me and went home. Two days later, while sitting in my zero gravity chair, I had a very warm sensation happening in my back. I thought I had the heating pad on too high, but in fact it was completely turned off. The temperature rose and the pain stopped!
After my elation over the pain leaving subsided, I started to wonder, “Why now? Why heal me now, God?” It didn’t make sense.
I wasn’t even the Christian I use to be. I had walked away from my faith in 2007. Several years before that, I walked away from my ministry because of troubles in my church. At the time of my healing, I had just come out of three years of severe depression where I had become allergic to everything around me, and constantly dizzy without knowing why. One night I had a small stroke, followed by a severe panic attack during which I had silently but desperately pleaded for God to just take me home. I had become convinced that healing from God or medical doctors would not happen for me and I was exhausted. I allowed myself to be hospitalized for the stroke, but I really just wanted this whole life to be over. During this same time my own family started to inform me of the, “less than rosy memories” they all had to deal with regarding my emotional rollercoaster lifestyle. A lifestyle I honestly convinced myself that for the most part wasn’t happening where others could see it. Since I was convinced I kept it all hidden form everybody, I didn’t think it could have been that bad. I wasn’t a drinker like my old man, I came home after work and I was a good husband and provider. Sure, we hit some hard times, but I was self employed, and a drop in the economy is always toughest on construction. With this happening, again I just kept begging God to take me home. Soon it was obvious he wasn’t listening, at least not to that request. He had a few more surprises for me.
The self inflicted damage I’d done to my life would create a long and difficult road back. I had broken my own heart with anger never believing I was capable of directing toward my friends and family. Nothing was going to fix that, not then anyway. Though I was praying again, reading my Bible again, I was still a mess. The biggest contributing factor to the problems in my faith came from the fact that during my 32 years as a Christian my trust in God was never perfected. Deep down I always figured I wouldn’t measure up, I would blow the game and I figured God knew it too. I had tried on several occasions to fit into the church scene but I never really did. I had the gifts to use in the church, music, public speaking and even construction. Still, I just didn’t get the folks in the pews and sometimes even behind the pulpit. So needless to say going back to church and starting over was not a likely option for me. I did try, but would actually get physically ill inside the church from either somebody’s perfume, nicotine smell from a cigarette smoker or the fact that they obviously had a cat or dog living in their home. Only a road forward with God and God alone seemed to lie ahead.
Finally, after every brain scan possible, a very respected neurologist took on my case. Several appointments and test later, he said, “I think it’s obvious that you are physically spent. You just have too many years of construction injuries, but as for your emotional issues, insomnia, anger, failure to trust people, I believe you are an un-diagnosed victim of PTSD stemming back 40 years!” (My older brother had drowned 40 years prior after I cancelled going swimming with him.) He continued, “I believe most of your problems are being caused by severe mental stress. You have so many triggers from PTSD all without even the slightest understanding of their origin. I want to start giving you a few different prescriptions that will calm your nerves, and allow you to see the differences of being “active versus reactive in life.” I was all ears, but because I had practiced pushing through my physical and mental pain for most of my life, many of his prescriptions just bounced off me. Proving that my survival techniques had gone on for so long that a different approach was needed. Soon, through awareness of causality(PTSD) I began to see the triggers that caused the train wrecks of my emotional life. The day my brother drowned was filled with shock, injustice and guilt, knowing these conditions may happen again, kept me on constant alert and why I had trouble trusting God to protect me. I knew he would protect me from myself as I had always experienced that blessing from the moment I called on Jesus to be my Savior. But save me from mental or physical pain? That was simply not my experience with God. Now, with my back pain gone, I often joined a friend to pray with him for 3-4 hours at a time. Praying mostly for others helped me get off my own issues and challenged me to be socially interactive. I was slowly healing mentally and even more of my physical issues were fading. I was coming back!
It took another 4 years to be active again in ministry and music. It had been almost 14 years to the day since this journey had started. I experienced 40 years of PTSD, running up and down a ladder of hypomanic states. Then 7 years alone with God, angry and rebellious toward all organized Christianity in America. Refusing to allow myself to be called back to his presence led to another 7 years, being both physically and mentally struck down to learn total dependence and trust in him. At this point I came to know God on whole new level!
I’m pretty sure I will still make fun of some of those preachers on TV. Though now I realize the tragedy of their con. It’s shamelessness to prey on people so much in pain and desperate for healing that they will try almost anything. I was fortunate that I had a friend in Jesus leading me to a great doctor, a great wife and family being truthful and forgiving and a great friend from construction. If someone asks me now, “How can I cope with loss and pain?” I respond, Learn about Jesus Christ, let him become your Savior and if you lack faith in Gods healing, find someone with enough faith for both of you, like my painter friend!” If God is willing and your prayers are pure you will be healed. Simple as that!